Some Deft Definition

Adolescent :

a teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult.

Advertising:

the art of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

Anatomy:

something everybody has – but it looks better on a girl.

Appetizers :

little things you keep eating until you’ve lost your appetite.

Bank:

a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.

Beach:

a place where a woman goes when she’s got nothing to wear.

Beauty :

what a woman has when she looks the same after washing her face.

Bore:

someone who talks when you want him to listen.

Bus :

a vehicle that runs faster when you’re after it than it does when you’re in it.

Careful Driver :

one who has just spotted the police speed trap.

Collision:

when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.

Congratulation :

sugar coated envy.

Conscience :

something that makes you tells your wife before somebody else does.

Cough :

something you yourself can’t help but which everyone else does to annoy you.

Courage:

the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.

Credit Card:

what you use to buy what you can’t afford tomorrow while you’re still paying for it yesterday.

Critic:

someone who is quick on the flaw.

Criticism:

something you can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.

Croquette:

a romantic female frog.

Culture :

a thin veneer easily soluble in alcohol.

Cynic:

a man who looks down on people above him. a man who regards getting engaged as a first step towards a divorce.

Dancing:

the art of pulling your feet away faster than your partner can step on them.

Diagnosis:

inside information.

Doctor :

the only man who enjoys poor health.

Dream Girl :

one who costs twice as much as you dreamed she would.

Drip:

someone you can always hear, but never turn off.

Drunk:

a person who drinks like a fish, but who would be better off if he drank only what a fish does.

Duty:

something one looks forward to without pleasure, does with reluctance, and boasts afterwards.

Egoist:

one who is always me deep in conversation.

Escalator:

stairway to the stores.

Expert :

one who takes a subject you already know and makes it sound confusing.

Fashion:

something which goes out of style as soon as everyone has one.

Feminine Instinct :

the instinct that tells a woman she is right – whether she is or not.

Genius :

someone who shoots at something that no one else can see, and hits it.

Girdle :

the difference between fact and figure.

Golf:

a long walk punctuated with disappointments.

Gossip :

something that runs down more people than cars and letting the chat out of the bag

Hollywood :

a place where a woman takes a man for better for worse but not for keeps.

Honeymoon:

the short period between ‘I do’ and you’d better’

Housework :

something a woman does but which no one notices – until she doesn’t do it.

Hypochondriac:

someone who enjoys pill health.

Impossible :

something that nobody can do it – until somebody does it.

Inflation:

a way of cutting a five-pound note in half without damaging the paper.

Influence :

something you think you have until you try to use it.

Insurance :

something that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich

Intermittent:

a romantic proposal when camping.

Intuition:

the amazing sense that enables a woman to contradict her husband before he even says anything.

Joint Account :

something that is never overdrawn by the wife, just under-deposit by the husband.

Jury:

twelve people who determine which side has the best lawyer.

Kiss:

the greatest substitute for an alibi.

Leadership:

the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

Lolly-pop :

a sugar daddy.

Motorist:

someone who keeps pedestrians in good running order.

Necessity:

a luxury that you bought on hire purchase.

Nudist :

someone who suffers from clothestrophobia.

Nudist Camp:

a place where men and women air their differences.

Nursery School :

a place where they teach those who hit, not to hit – and those that don’t hit, to hit back.

Perfect Man:

the one your wife could have married.

Police Helicopter :

a whirlybird that catches the worm.

Prune :

a plum that worried a lot.

Punctuality:

the art of assessing how late the other person is going to be.

Race Horse :

the only creature that can take thousands of people for a ride at the same time.

Reality :

a delusion created by an alcohol deficiency.

Riding :

the art of keeping the horse between you and the ground.

Road Map :

something that tells a motorist everything he wants to know – except how to fold it up again.

Rumba :

waving goodbye without using your hands.

Scandal:

something that has to be bad to be good.

School :

place where kids go to catch colds from each other so they can stay at home.

Sneeze :

much achoo about nothing.

Solicitor:

a man who makes sure that you get what’s coming to him.

Sore Throat:

hoarse and buggy.

Split Second:

the time between the lights changing and the driver behind you honking his horn.

Tact:

the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Taxpayer:

the cross section of the public.

Television :

an electric device which when broken, stimulates conversation.

Towel :

one of those little things sent to dry us.

Vegetarian :

someone who is nice to meat.

Vice Versa :

poetry that is not suitable for children.

Wife:

someone who cant see a garage door at ten yards – but who can spot a blonde hair on her husband’s jacket half a mile away.

Will Power :

the ability to eat jus one salted peanut.