Adolescent :
a teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult.
Advertising:
the art of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Anatomy:
something everybody has – but it looks better on a girl.
Appetizers :
little things you keep eating until you’ve lost your appetite.
Bank:
a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.
Beach:
a place where a woman goes when she’s got nothing to wear.
Beauty :
what a woman has when she looks the same after washing her face.
Bore:
someone who talks when you want him to listen.
Bus :
a vehicle that runs faster when you’re after it than it does when you’re in it.
Careful Driver :
one who has just spotted the police speed trap.
Collision:
when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
Congratulation :
sugar coated envy.
Conscience :
something that makes you tells your wife before somebody else does.
Cough :
something you yourself can’t help but which everyone else does to annoy you.
Courage:
the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.
Credit Card:
what you use to buy what you can’t afford tomorrow while you’re still paying for it yesterday.
Critic:
someone who is quick on the flaw.
Criticism:
something you can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.
Croquette:
a romantic female frog.
Culture :
a thin veneer easily soluble in alcohol.
Cynic:
a man who looks down on people above him. a man who regards getting engaged as a first step towards a divorce.
Dancing:
the art of pulling your feet away faster than your partner can step on them.
Diagnosis:
inside information.
Doctor :
the only man who enjoys poor health.
Dream Girl :
one who costs twice as much as you dreamed she would.
Drip:
someone you can always hear, but never turn off.
Drunk:
a person who drinks like a fish, but who would be better off if he drank only what a fish does.
Duty:
something one looks forward to without pleasure, does with reluctance, and boasts afterwards.
Egoist:
one who is always me deep in conversation.
Escalator:
stairway to the stores.
Expert :
one who takes a subject you already know and makes it sound confusing.
Fashion:
something which goes out of style as soon as everyone has one.
Feminine Instinct :
the instinct that tells a woman she is right – whether she is or not.
Genius :
someone who shoots at something that no one else can see, and hits it.
Girdle :
the difference between fact and figure.
Golf:
a long walk punctuated with disappointments.
Gossip :
something that runs down more people than cars and letting the chat out of the bag
Hollywood :
a place where a woman takes a man for better for worse but not for keeps.
Honeymoon:
the short period between ‘I do’ and you’d better’
Housework :
something a woman does but which no one notices – until she doesn’t do it.
Hypochondriac:
someone who enjoys pill health.
Impossible :
something that nobody can do it – until somebody does it.
Inflation:
a way of cutting a five-pound note in half without damaging the paper.
Influence :
something you think you have until you try to use it.
Insurance :
something that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich
Intermittent:
a romantic proposal when camping.
Intuition:
the amazing sense that enables a woman to contradict her husband before he even says anything.
Joint Account :
something that is never overdrawn by the wife, just under-deposit by the husband.
Jury:
twelve people who determine which side has the best lawyer.
Kiss:
the greatest substitute for an alibi.
Leadership:
the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
Lolly-pop :
a sugar daddy.
Motorist:
someone who keeps pedestrians in good running order.
Necessity:
a luxury that you bought on hire purchase.
Nudist :
someone who suffers from clothestrophobia.
Nudist Camp:
a place where men and women air their differences.
Nursery School :
a place where they teach those who hit, not to hit – and those that don’t hit, to hit back.
Perfect Man:
the one your wife could have married.
Police Helicopter :
a whirlybird that catches the worm.
Prune :
a plum that worried a lot.
Punctuality:
the art of assessing how late the other person is going to be.
Race Horse :
the only creature that can take thousands of people for a ride at the same time.
Reality :
a delusion created by an alcohol deficiency.
Riding :
the art of keeping the horse between you and the ground.
Road Map :
something that tells a motorist everything he wants to know – except how to fold it up again.
Rumba :
waving goodbye without using your hands.
Scandal:
something that has to be bad to be good.
School :
place where kids go to catch colds from each other so they can stay at home.
Sneeze :
much achoo about nothing.
Solicitor:
a man who makes sure that you get what’s coming to him.
Sore Throat:
hoarse and buggy.
Split Second:
the time between the lights changing and the driver behind you honking his horn.
Tact:
the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Taxpayer:
the cross section of the public.
Television :
an electric device which when broken, stimulates conversation.
Towel :
one of those little things sent to dry us.
Vegetarian :
someone who is nice to meat.
Vice Versa :
poetry that is not suitable for children.
Wife:
someone who cant see a garage door at ten yards – but who can spot a blonde hair on her husband’s jacket half a mile away.
Will Power :
the ability to eat jus one salted peanut.
